Category: Issues & Opinions

Good vs. Bad Complaining

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Complaining: Call someone who cares.

In my experience, there are two types of complaining: good and bad.

Good complaining is the type that happens when something is not right and the complaint is properly directed. For example, if a building or store is not accessible, then complaining to the building manager is a great thing to do. Complaining to a property owner when there aren’t enough accessible parking spaces is great too. Basically any legitimate complaint that’s directed to people who can make things right is a good complaint.

Bad complaining goes like this: “Oh I am so weak all the time…boo hoo.” or “Poor me, I have to use this wheelchair.” Of course the “boo hoo” and “poor me” are usually not said by the complainer but might as well be. This sort of complaint does nobody any good, especially the person saying it. It reinforces a negative attitude, a victim mentality, and results in further frustration. Besides that, others hate hearing it all the time. It drives caregivers nuts and will cost you friends and sometimes family.

There’s also fine line between good complaining and bad complaining. For example, if you find yourself constantly saying, “That restaurant really needs a ramp! I hate that!” but never actually submit your complaint to the restaurant, then that’s a bad complaint. Personally, I am sometimes guilty of this sort of complaint myself. It’s easy to complain but sometimes the effort to complain to someone who can make  a difference seems like too much work even though it’s not usually that difficult.

The best way to stop yourself from making bad complaints is exactly that — STOP YOURSELF! When you hear yourself making a bad complaint, whether it’s a “Woe is me” or an undirected type of complaint, then take a moment to reflect on what you just said. Rephrase your self-pity to something more positive like “I’m so tired but I am going to go do this anyway!” or decide to take action on your complaint. It also helps to notice when other people complain. This can help you identify your own complaints better as well.

It doesn’t take as much time as you think to direct an undirected complaint. If you think a building should have a ramp call/write/email both the business itself AND the property owner/manager if you can figure that out. A quick email or call can take just a few minutes. Tip: In the past, I have searched my local property tax records (sometimes available online by county/city) to find building owners. You can also look for “Now Leasing” signs on other units if it’s a strip mall or office building and that’s usually the owner or property manager’s information.

Nobody likes a complainer, but if your complaint can make a positive difference then take action and complain all you want to the right people.

Overbearing is a mixed blessing

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Recently I’ve had to deal with a few overbearing people and I have extremely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, being overbearing can be a sign that someone actually cares. (It could also be a signal for someone being controlling!) But on the other hand it’s extremely frustrating because I’m 36 years old and being asked to do things like “call when you get home so we know you made it alright.” I’m not 12. I don’t like people hovering over me.

One of the things I am proud of is my ability to live independently. The extent to which I need help is extremely minimal, particularly since I tend to set things up so I can do them myself vs. having to ask for help all the time. So when someone asks me to do something like check in with them to make sure I’m alright, it’s as if they’re saying to me “I don’t think you can take care of yourself and something bad might happen to you.” You know how when you’re walking and someone steps on your ankle or hits you with a shopping cart from behind? That’s exactly how an overbearing person makes me feel.

It also bothers me sometimes when someone offers to help me with something they know I can do myself. For example, “Can I cut up that chicken for you?” is another type of question that drives me nuts, particularly if that person has seen me cut up my own food before. Someone said that to me once and one of my aunts chimed in and said, “Hey, Dan, do you want me to chew that chicken for you too like a momma bird?” So now that’s our running joke.

What has started to bother me recently is why these things bother me in the first place? People are just trying to be helpful and yet it’s irritating me tremendously. They’re being concerned or nice and it makes me mad. I don’t totally understand where it’s coming from. If I can do something as simple as checking-in and it will calm someone else’s nerves, why don’t I just do it? Why does it drive me nuts?

Changing my reaction is definitely something I intend to work on in the future. Someday I might need a lot more help than I do now, so it’s best not to alienate people who are already willing to help me.

The two types of disabled people

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There are two types of disabled people.

1. The disabled person who doesn’t act like they have a disability.

2. The disabled person who can’t wait to list all their disabilities to you.

The first type of disabled person will go into a meeting or a party and never even mention their disability. They interact with people and have an expectation that people won’t treat them any differently. They feel no need for special treatment. The only time their disability comes up is when someone else asks them about it. Even then, it’s spoken about in a matter-of-fact way, sort of like someone might describe their car. Their disability just “is.”

The second type of disabled person will start describing what’s wrong with them from the first second they get into the room. “I’ve got to sit in the shade because sunlight gives me the worst hives! And then there’s my high blood pressure. Do you have any Splenda, I have diabetes. I could totally tell it was going to rain today because my sciatica kept me up all night and I felt it in my bones.” You get the picture. It’s all about their disability(ies).

The first type of disabled person brings energy to the room. The second sucks all the energy out. The first type leaves others hopeful that should they ever end up in a debilitating situation, they’ll be just fine. The second type makes you afraid to get out of bed in the morning.

I am very thankful I consider myself to be the first type of disabled person. I find it incredibly easy not to make my disability an issue unless absolutely necessary. It not only keeps others positive, it keeps me positive. I really don’t like it when other disabled people (of type two) come up to me and feel like I’m the same as them. I don’t want to sit and list all my problems. I would rather talk about sports.

What kind of disabled person are you?

What laughing at myself means to me

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Are you able to laugh at yourself? Or do you take yourself so seriously that when something disability-related happens, you get angry? Let me give you an example:

I flew off my wheelchair about six months ago when the EZ-Lock bolt on the bottom of my chair caught a ledge in the sidewalk. I landed face down, head pointing the opposite direction of my chair and am quite sure I was knocked out for a split second or two. Yet the first thing out of my mouth as I laid there face down on the sidewalk, on top of my now-ringing telephone was, “I meant to do that,” followed by a chuckle and an over-pronounced, “Ow….”

Thankfully four random strangers came and flipped me over and got me back up on my chair. Covered in leaves and dirt and blood (my chin was bleeding) I made my way into the restaurant where I was meeting some friends and re-hashed the story, complete with laughter, before going to the bathroom and washing up.

It took time for me to reach the point where I could laugh at myself and the things that my disability presented to me. There was a time when the predominant feeling during a moment like the one I described would have been embarrassment or frustration or anger. But nowadays  I laugh. Why? Because laughing at it has been the best way for me to deal with these unexpected moments. I didn’t gain anything from being embarrassed or angry in the past. But at least now I realize I can turn these events into funny stories, like this one for example.

I also think this laughter is a good indication that I have accepted my disorder and moved past it. That’s what being able to laugh means to me. It means acceptance, moving beyond my disability, and not letting it interfere with my life by allowing the anger and frustration to consume me. In this sense, laughter really is the best medicine.

And when you have a disease for which there really is no medicine, laughter is a great holdover.

By the way, the stupidest part of this whole thing was that I don’t even have EZ-Lock in my van. The bolt was on the chair when I bought it off Craigslist and I never removed it because it never got in the way until that day. Needless to say that bolt was removed the next day and I haven’t fallen since. (Or yet!)

Grumpy disabled people

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Grumpy disabled people are annoying. Sure, maybe they have a reason to be grumpy, but the fact is I know people with all sorts of disabilities that are happy as clams, including myself. If we can be happy, anyone can be happy. Grumpy disabled people take note — I don’t think you’re any different than grumpy able-bodied people. You’re all annoying whether you can walk or not.

We all have our grumpy moments, so it’s never a safe assumption that someone’s grumpy after one interaction. But after repeated interactions that elicit grumpiness, you are safe to say that person needs to lighten up.

I don’t care if your disability was caused by someone else, or the result of a war injury, or if you were born with it. I really don’t. If you’re a grump, you’re living life all wrong. Grumps make it difficult for everyone. They increase the stress of people around them. They give happy disabled people a bad name. But most of all they’re hurting themselves. A negative attitude exacerbates or creates health issues. It drives people away. It makes people less likely to want to help you.

If you need help wiping your ass, you better put a smile on your face.

There are many cause of grumpiness but all have some sort of “cure.” If you’re depressed, seek therapy and anti-depressants. If you’re in pain, seek pain management care. If you’ve got a chip on your shoulder, change your attitude. If you feel as though you’ve been wronged, practice forgiveness. If you make the choice to deal with your grumpiness and still have no luck, I credit you for trying — keep trying. But if you haven’t made any effort, then this is a choice to remain grumpy and annoy all the rest of us.

Choosing to be happy is much more rewarding.