Category: Everyday Life

Overbearing is a mixed blessing

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Recently I’ve had to deal with a few overbearing people and I have extremely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, being overbearing can be a sign that someone actually cares. (It could also be a signal for someone being controlling!) But on the other hand it’s extremely frustrating because I’m 36 years old and being asked to do things like “call when you get home so we know you made it alright.” I’m not 12. I don’t like people hovering over me.

One of the things I am proud of is my ability to live independently. The extent to which I need help is extremely minimal, particularly since I tend to set things up so I can do them myself vs. having to ask for help all the time. So when someone asks me to do something like check in with them to make sure I’m alright, it’s as if they’re saying to me “I don’t think you can take care of yourself and something bad might happen to you.” You know how when you’re walking and someone steps on your ankle or hits you with a shopping cart from behind? That’s exactly how an overbearing person makes me feel.

It also bothers me sometimes when someone offers to help me with something they know I can do myself. For example, “Can I cut up that chicken for you?” is another type of question that drives me nuts, particularly if that person has seen me cut up my own food before. Someone said that to me once and one of my aunts chimed in and said, “Hey, Dan, do you want me to chew that chicken for you too like a momma bird?” So now that’s our running joke.

What has started to bother me recently is why these things bother me in the first place? People are just trying to be helpful and yet it’s irritating me tremendously. They’re being concerned or nice and it makes me mad. I don’t totally understand where it’s coming from. If I can do something as simple as checking-in and it will calm someone else’s nerves, why don’t I just do it? Why does it drive me nuts?

Changing my reaction is definitely something I intend to work on in the future. Someday I might need a lot more help than I do now, so it’s best not to alienate people who are already willing to help me.

Don’t be like a weather forecast

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See that weather graphic to the right? It’s the symbol you see on a weather forecast when there is even the slightest chance of thunderstorms or rain. I have seen this symbol even when the chance of storms is only 10%. Does that graphic look like it’s saying “10% chance of storms?” No. It looks like a definite chance of storms.

What’s even worse is that graphic is used even when there’s only a 10% chance of storms during a one hour period of the day! So we’re led to believe the entire day could be rainy/stormy when really, even if it does storm, it might be for 15 minutes!

I know people who cancel outdoor plans when they see weather graphics like this. They assume it will rain. Then the day comes and goes and all you hear is “I thought it was supposed to rain today!”

Wouldn’t you rather hear forecasts like, “There’s a 90% chance it will be perfectly sunny today!” How would that brighten the outlook for your day? It would be even better if the graphics for those 90% chance of a sunny day had the sun taking up 90% of the image instead of less than half.

I like to take this attitude on life — there’s usually a great chance everything will turn out okay. Why let the slight chance of something bad happening overwhelm you like that storm overwhelms the sun on that weather graphic? Even if it’s bad, it’s not bad 100% of the time. Bad comes and goes. You deal with it like you might deal with a brief thunderstorm — run for cover until it passes.

Do you really want to live your life worrying about “storms” only to reach the end, look back, and say to yourself, “I thought it was going to be worse than that…”?

The two types of disabled people

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There are two types of disabled people.

1. The disabled person who doesn’t act like they have a disability.

2. The disabled person who can’t wait to list all their disabilities to you.

The first type of disabled person will go into a meeting or a party and never even mention their disability. They interact with people and have an expectation that people won’t treat them any differently. They feel no need for special treatment. The only time their disability comes up is when someone else asks them about it. Even then, it’s spoken about in a matter-of-fact way, sort of like someone might describe their car. Their disability just “is.”

The second type of disabled person will start describing what’s wrong with them from the first second they get into the room. “I’ve got to sit in the shade because sunlight gives me the worst hives! And then there’s my high blood pressure. Do you have any Splenda, I have diabetes. I could totally tell it was going to rain today because my sciatica kept me up all night and I felt it in my bones.” You get the picture. It’s all about their disability(ies).

The first type of disabled person brings energy to the room. The second sucks all the energy out. The first type leaves others hopeful that should they ever end up in a debilitating situation, they’ll be just fine. The second type makes you afraid to get out of bed in the morning.

I am very thankful I consider myself to be the first type of disabled person. I find it incredibly easy not to make my disability an issue unless absolutely necessary. It not only keeps others positive, it keeps me positive. I really don’t like it when other disabled people (of type two) come up to me and feel like I’m the same as them. I don’t want to sit and list all my problems. I would rather talk about sports.

What kind of disabled person are you?

Muscular dystrophy and bathrooms

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One of the best bathrooms I ever used as a wheelchair user was in the least likely of places — Costa Rica. I was on a day excursion while on a cruise with a few friends and we went to a botanical garden. Nestled amongst the tropical plants, flowers, and trees was a large green shack. The tour guide pointed it out as the restroom and due to the power of suggestion, I decided to use it immediately.

I rarely use the word “glorious” to describe anything but this really was a glorious restroom. It was a single-user bathroom that was one large 15×15 foot room. There were several grab bars around the toilet which was perched on an elevated block that made the seat about a half-inch higher than my wheelchair. I could roll right under the sink and the paper towels were at lap level, so I could reach everything with ease.

Unfortunately not all bathrooms are like this. I do have a few recommendations to make using restrooms easier for those of us with muscular dystrophy.

1. Look for the family bathrooms

The family bathrooms are usually very large and their are counters for putting things down. Most new facilities that expect large numbers of families to visit (malls, arenas, theaters) have these family bathrooms. Don’t be afraid to use them even if they don’t have the wheelchair symbol on them. I use them all the time. Moms with strollers use our elevators all the time, we can use their bathrooms.

2. Bring a bottle

If you pack a backpack or a bag that you usually have with you or on your wheelchair, a bottle can be helpful for the males of the species to be able to use the toilet without having to transfer just to go #1. In my experience it’s much cleaner and of course, drier. Additionally this can be helpful to have on hand if a bathroom stall is not wide enough. If you absolutely have to go then you can use the bottle and dump it or seal it and dump it later.

3. Carry a few wet naps or a mini bottle of hand sanitizer with you.

Many times I find that the counters in public bathrooms are dripping wet. I usually need a little bit of leverage to reach the water knobs and touching wet counter tops in public restrooms is gross to me. I also find that sometimes the levers for reaching the hand towels are too high or require more arm strength than I have. To get around this, I usually carry a bottle of sanitizer with me in my wheelchair pocket. Then I can skip the sink and life is easier.

4. Know your bathrooms

If you find a bathroom that is particularly easy for you to use, make a mental note of it. Then next time you’re in the area or at the same facility, you’ll know right where to go without even thinking about it. There are some great bathrooms (and some horrible ones) at the big mall in Honolulu. Whenever I am there I know exactly where to go so I don’t waste my time in crowded or less-than-perfect restrooms. Often there are times when I’m not at the mall but in the area and I have to use the bathroom. If it’s convenient, I will just go to one of the nearby mall restrooms.

So until humans magically evolve into beings that don’t need to use the bathroom, dealing with bathroom issues will always be a necessity. Feel free to share your tips in the comments section.

Starting a business with a disability

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I have owned a Hawaii web development company since 2000 and have learned many lessons while running it. Prior to starting any new venture there are many uncertainties. Often these uncertainties are the reasons people don’t start their own thing. It’s too scary. Mix in the fact that you have a disability and it can be easy to say, “Oh I could never do that.” But in my experience, my disability has had little negative impact on my ability to start and run my business. In fact, I’d have to say that because of my disability I have found it easier to handle the issues that come up.

Flexibility

Mini challenges present themselves almost every day when dealing with a disability. Sometimes there are stairs that need to be worked around. Sometimes all the disabled parking spaces are full. Sometimes you need to wait for help. A business has its own mini-challenges as well. Sometimes a form needs to be filed. Sometimes a client needs extra special attention. Sometimes a contractor doesn’t deliver what they said they would. In dealing with both a disability and a business you need to be flexible and able to handle the things that come your way without freaking out.

Ingenuity

If you use a wheelchair or have a mobility problem, you might not even realize how creative you have to be in order to live your life. Sometimes you need to figure out how to get up off the floor. Other times you need to jerry-rig something to help you accomplish a household task like cleaning, laundry, or painting. Often this sort of creativity happens without even noticing it. In business, ingenuity is a key factor in making a business a success. Clients have needs and the vendors that can solve client problems in creative and cost-effective ways are the ones that will get the jobs. In dealing with computer programming like I do, a programming challenge seems like nothing after dealing with physical challenges like “How do I get up off the floor if I fall?” Whether it’s creative marketing, creative programming, creative product development, or creative networking, there are many parallels to the creative thinking required by disabled people.

Attitude

A can-do attitude is admirable and easily developed by people with disabilities. It’s also a positive quality in a business. Developing this attitude involves leveraging the two previously-mentioned items (flexibility and ingenuity) with an overall positive outlook on a project or task. People with disabilities who are able to live their lives in productive ways usually have this attitude built-in or develop it over time. In business, this attitude helps to put clients at ease, create trust that the job will get done right, and lead to word-of-mouth referrals. It’s as valuable in business as it is in life.

So if you are considering starting a business, or even finding a job, I encourage you to examine yourself and notice that you probably have flexibility, ingenuity, and a positive attitude already. Acknowledging these attributes is the first step towards using them to go out and do the things you want to do. If you feel like you need to develop these attributes further, then find a small project around the house and consciously approach tackling it with flexibility, creativity, and a positive attitude. When you run into an obstacle, decide to tackle it head-on. Inevitably you’ll have to be flexible and creative enough to solve the problem in a new way. Then once you have completed the task, you’ll reflect positively back on it and know that the next one will be even easier.

I look forward to sharing more of what I’ve learned running my company in the future.